


My Secret Heart

by Frejennix, Lalijinx



Series: The Other Side of the Mirror [10]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Light/Dark Sides Switch, Arguing, Character Development, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional Repression, Fear of Abandonment, Gen, Hints of Past Trauma, Intrusive Thoughts, Mental Health Issues, Misunderstandings, Obsession, Original Backstory for Canon Characters, Self Destructive Behavior/Thought Patterns, Thought Spirals, Ultimately Sympathetic Characters, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, complex characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-12 14:13:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29011827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frejennix/pseuds/Frejennix, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lalijinx/pseuds/Lalijinx
Summary: When it comes to Thomas's Other Sides, not everything is as cut and dry as it seems.Thomas is about to learn that the hard way.(Episode 10, Arc 2)
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Thomas Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders & Logic | Logan Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders & Thomas Sanders, Deceit | Janus Sanders & Thomas Sanders, Logic | Logan Sanders & Morality | Patton Sanders, Morality | Patton Sanders & Thomas Sanders, Thomas Sanders & The Sides
Series: The Other Side of the Mirror [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1794676
Comments: 81
Kudos: 94
Collections: TSS Fanworks Collective





	1. My Helpful Heart

Hey, is anyone available to hang out today?

JoanOfDarkness: Sorry, Thomas, I've got stuff for Company all day today.

VetalMiking: It's true, they even roped me into it.

JoanOfDarkness: I promised to feed you, what more do you want, talyn?

QueenVal: I’ve got to babysit my cousins today, so no from me too.

TerraringToGo: Sorry, T, I've got this paper due by midnight, and I've gotsta do it.

Quilsiquillas: I just had a mandatory work event yesterday, and I really need to charge my social batteries. Is it an emergency, are you okay?

Yeah, yeah I'm fine. I’ll message you guys later.

TerraringToGo: Love you Thomas!

JoanOfDarkness: 💚

VetalMiking: 👍

QueenVal: ✨👑🌻🌟💕

Quilsiquillas: You sure you okay, dude?

_Read at 11:43am_

Thomas looked at the last message in his group chat, feeling a tight sort of pain in his chest.

Thomas understood a lot of things. He was pretty smart, all things considered, even if sometimes he could be a bit of a doofus. And yet despite his intelligence, he couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him. 

He just felt...blah. 

And wasn’t that irritating, that he couldn’t figure out a better way of categorizing his feelings than blah?

He had hoped that some social interaction would be the answer, as he couldn't imagine still being blah while hanging out with his friends.

But it looked like that was not to be.

He just had to deal with this on his own.

...or maybe he could watch some Parks and Recreation instead?

Decision made, Thomas got to his feet, collecting everything he would need for a day of moping relaxing in front of the television: blankets, pillows, snacks, drinks, the works. 

He briefly considered calling some of his sides to keep him company, but ultimately decided against it. They would, of course, drop everything to come help him, but…

But a part of Thomas worried that they would acquiesce more out of obligation than an actual desire to deal with Thomas's crappy mood. 

And it seemed…almost cruel, to ask them to try to cheer him up when Thomas didn't even know if that would work. Was he just asking them to waste their efforts? And how would that make them feel, if they couldn't do what he asked of them? He knew that failure hurt Remus intensely, knew that feeling helpless was Virgil’s worst nightmare. How could he ask them to do something when he knew it would hurt them?

He would be a terrible friend if he did that.

And Logan...Logan had such a tenuous relationship with his own feelings, how could Thomas ask him to deal with Thomas’s too, when Thomas didn't even know what his feelings were doing?

That didn't seem fair either.

Which left Janus. And Janus…

Thomas swallowed against a lump in his throat, his eyes watering.

Janus knew him better than anyone. If Janus...if Janus wasn't already here, then it...it probably wasn't a big deal. Janus had always been there when Thomas had really needed him, usually before Thomas even knew what was wrong.

If he wasn't here now, then Thomas wasn't going to call him.

He would just have to...deal with this himself. He was an adult. He could do this.

“Ooh, this is a good episode. Scoot over.” 

Thomas started. He hadn’t heard the chime indicating a side was about to arrive. He made room next to him on the sofa…

And froze, his finger pressing down on the pause button involuntarily. 

“What?” The side asked, confused, looking between Thomas and the television. “Not in the mood for Parks and Rec after all?”

“...I don’t know you,” Thomas said, his voice faint.

The side in question smiled warmly. “No, you don’t. But I’d like you to.” 

“Where...where did you _come_ from?”

“The mindscape. Or rather, the other one.” He waved, shooting Thomas another smile so wide his cheeks nearly touched the underside of his glasses. “Hiya, Thomas. I’m your Heart.”

* * *

Thomas stared. He knew he should say _something_ , but his mind was completely blank. 

“Oh my goodness, Thomas, your _face_!” The other side giggled, covering his mouth with both his hands. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost!”

“But...I thought I had to call you guys. The Others.” Thomas said, his mind racing. The new side, his...Heart, apparently, was dressed in the most stereotypical “dad” outfit Thomas could imagine. He had white khaki pants, a sky blue polo, and a gray cardigan tied around his shoulders. The only thing that didn’t fit the look, drawing Thomas’s eye, were the sleek black framed glasses with blue tinted lenses. They actually...kind of looked a little bit like Logan’s, to be honest. 

“Usually, you do. But I could tell that you were feeling a little crummy, kiddo, so I decided to pop by.” Heart glanced away and then back, momentarily sheepish. “You don't mind, right?”

“You can tell what I’m feeling?” 

“Course I can. Feelings are my specialty, after all.” The new side hopped a little, readjusting on the couch to fully face Thomas.“I’m at the core of a lot of your feelings, kiddo. And it’s my job to help you manage them.” He gestured to himself with his thumbs. “And right now, Dr. Heart can tell you have a case of down in the dumps.” Heart gave an exaggerated frown, framing his face with both hands.

“...Yeah.” Thomas said with a sigh. Heart dropped the face, reaching over to put his hand on Thomas's knee.

“But this isn’t your average run of the mill malaise. This is an all over dissatisfaction, but at the same time, you can’t figure out what’s causing it, can you?” Heart looked at him knowingly through the blue-tinted glasses.

“Not really.” Thomas bit his lip, uncertain. 

“And that’s okay, Thomas.” Heart said, squeezing Thomas’s knee encouragingly. “It's okay for you to feel that way. Feelings...feelings don't always make sense. But it's not their job to make sense either, and that’s okay too.”

“Do you know what I should do to stop feeling this way?” 

Heart brightened, bouncing once on the couch cushion. 

“You bet your britches, I do! I have a five step process guaranteed to kick this bad mood out on its butt.” His excited expression shifted into something more serious. “It’s not gonna be a cakewalk though. I have to know you’re committed to the process one hundred percent, or it's not going to work right.”

Thomas only wavered on trusting the new side for a second. “I really don’t want to feel this way anymore.”

“Okay then. Step one!” Heart held out his hand towards Thomas. “Gimme your phone.”

“What?”

“Hey, I thought we were committed one hundred percent?” Heart said, his tone admonishing. Thomas hesitated. “I’m just going to go through your Spotify, kiddo. Make you a playlist.”

“...Okay.” Thomas pulled out his phone and placed it in Heart’s waiting hand. 

“Attaboy.” Heart patted Thomas's knee, then gestured back towards the TV, settling in and tapping at Thomas’s phone. “Now watch your Parks and Rec while I do this, okay? One episode.” 

“Is that part of the process?”

“Yup.” Heart looked up from the phone, a coy grin on his face. “You wanna cuddle while you watch? I am told I am a top notch cuddle buddy.”

“Is...is that alright?” Thomas asked, wondering why he was being so hopelessly awkward today. Heart smiled warmly, his eyes twinkling behind his blue tinted lenses.

“Are you this adorable with all of your sides, Thomas, or am I special?” He said teasingly. “Of course you can cuddle, buddy, get over here!”

Thomas slid across the cushions into Heart’s embrace. Heart shifted, settling Thomas so his head was resting tucked up by his chin, wrapping his arm up and around to run his fingers through Thomas’s hair. Thomas hummed, relaxing incrementally. He had to admit, Heart was pretty good at cuddling. He used just the right amount of pressure, in both his embrace and the soft way he ran his hand through Thomas's hair, soothing something in Thomas he hadn’t realized was stressing him. 

Heart continued petting his hair and tapping at his music as Thomas focused on the TV, smiling at the familiar jokes. Thomas breathed in deep, and Heart smelled like hot coffee and warm chocolate, like the best mocha from a cozy little cafe.

Then the credits were rolling and Heart reached over to pause the next episode. Thomas looked up quizzically, reluctant to move from his comfortable position. 

“Quick question before stage two.” Heart smiled down at him, hand still running through his hair. “Did you have anything you were supposed to do today that you might need to cancel?”

“Um…” Thomas furrowed his brow, thinking through the vague haze of his thoughts, trying to recall his schedule. “I think I was supposed to meet with...the rest of the sides later today.” Thomas said. 

Heart went still, his hand halting its soothing motion. “What’s the matter?” Thomas asked unthinkingly, looking up at Heart’s face. 

“Nothing. Nothing’s the matter, kiddo.” Heart said, but his face twitched a little bit, a wrinkle of his nose. “That’s fine, Thomas.”

“It is?” Thomas asked, once again thinking of the animosity between Janus and Logan those first few times and resisting the urge to wince.

“Yes, of course. I would never tell you not to talk with your sides. That wouldn't be fair to you at all.” Heart said, ruffling Thomas's hair playfully. “But we should keep working on getting you one hundred before they show up, right?”

“I suppose.” Thomas fixed his hair, pulling away from Heart’s side. 

“Darn right, kiddo. Now, one sec.” Heart looked down at Thomas’s phone, and tapped decisively a few more times, before presenting the phone back to Thomas with a flourish.

“Here. Listen to this playlist. All the way through.”

Thomas skimmed through the playlist. A frown grew on his face. These were all the most emotional songs he knew, the ones that pulled at his heart strings and never failed to bring him to tears. He thought this was supposed to make him feel _better._

“Heart...these are all songs that make me cry.”

Heart nodded at his confusion. “They don’t just make you cry, they make you _feel_ things. All the things. And that’s what we need to do,” he said, punctuating his words with a tap to Thomas's nose.

“But I just said I don’t want to feel bad anymore!” he said, feeling his face heat up at how whiny he sounded, god.

“Sorry, kiddo. You have to work through the feelings before you can be done with them. That’s just the way the cookie crumbles.” Heart gave him such a stern look that Thomas immediately felt all of six years old, hand caught in the cookie jar.

“But…”

Heart huffed, frustrated. “If you don’t wanna do it, you don’t have to. I’ll leave you alone, and you can figure out your cruddy feelings on your own.” His face softened then, turning into something...sad, and resigned as he looked away, shoulders drooping. “I mean, I came all this way just to help you, but if you don’t really want my help—” Heart shifted to get up and leave. 

“No wait.” Thomas said immediately, and Heart turned back expectantly, eyes wide and hopeful. Nothing seemed worse to Thomas in that moment than the thought of being alone. “I’m sorry.” He swallowed, looking back down at his phone. “You’re sure this is the way?”

“Would it help you if I explained why I'm having you do this?” Heart asked gently. “I have a reason, promise.” Thomas nodded. 

“Catharsis, buddy.” Heart said, settling back into the couch and pulling Thomas back into his cuddling position. “You’re not sure why you have these feelings, so I chose a good mix of different types of feelings in the songs. The songs are gonna give you a way to feel the feelings that you’re not dealing with at the moment, even if you can't identify them.” Heart smoothed back his bangs, smiling understandingly. “I would never ask you to feel bad for no reason.”

Thomas managed a small smile back, before slipping the earbuds in. He felt more than heard Heart give a happy little hum as he pressed play. Heart was _nice_. And comforting. And even if the songs were indeed making him cry, Heart was right. He was starting to feel ever so slightly better, the tears clearing away some of the fog in his head. 

And throughout it all, he couldn’t help but wonder. 

What made Heart so _bad_ ? Thomas could still remember the violent distrust Janus and Virgil had of Logan at the beginning. And neither Logan or Heart seemed to have deserved it. Why were they relegated to _Other_ , if _this_ is what they were like?

Heart continued to run his fingers through his hair, and Thomas sighed, letting go of his concerns for the moment. He let himself sink into the emotions of the playlist, closing his eyes and relaxing. 

And next thing he knew, the playlist was over, he was all cried out, and he felt ever so slightly better. 

“Okay.” Thomas sniffled, wiping his eyes. “I finished.”

“Good job, kiddo.” Heart grinned down at him, ruffling his hair. “I’m proud of you.”

“You are?”

“Absolutely!” Heart beamed. “And you know what? You deserve a reward.” Thomas startled as Heart leapt up energetically. “Come on, up you get!” Heart crowed, grabbing Thomas by the wrists and pulling him to his feet.

Thomas allowed himself to be pulled, too surprised at the sudden change in energy to protest. 

“Come on, in the kitchen.” Heart pulled him into the kitchen before releasing his arm, and placing his hand on his hips. “Time for some kitchen sink bars!” he announced.

“What’s a kitchen sink bar?” 

“Only the bestest, most feel good goodiest concoction in the known universe!” Heart exclaimed, clapping his hands together. “Here’s what I need you to do, Thomas. Go through your cabinets. Pull out any sweets, cookies, candies, whatever you can find, no matter what it is.” Heart gestured grandly toward the empty space on the table, before turning away to the fridge. “Put your finds on the table while I set up some other stuff, okay?”

“Okay.” 

“Hey.” Heart spun around, switching from his take-charge tone to something much more earnest. “Do you want a hug first?” he asked, holding out his arms. Thomas didn't answer, just stepped into the offered embrace. 

Heart’s hugs were _amazing_.

He wrapped his arms around Thomas's shoulders and back, pulling Thomas close and rocking just a little bit. Thomas breathed in shakily, the smell of mocha filling his lungs as a few more tears squeezed out of his closed eyes.

“Oh, Thomas…” Heart said, leaning his head against Thomas's. “Don't worry, buddy. I’m here for you. I’ve got you.”

Thomas just clung tighter, miserable, but also somehow content. Heart let him stay in the hug as long as he wanted, softly humming, before Thomas finally felt steady enough to pull away. 

“Let’s get some food into you before we move on, okay?” Heart announced, steering Thomas to his kitchen table. “Sit down, I'll whip something up.”

“What about the…” Thomas gestured to the cabinets.

“Oh, I think that can wait long enough for me to get a grilled cheese in you.” Heart said, opening his cabinets to pull out some bread. "You'll feel much more _bready_ to deal with your feelings once you've had something to eat!"

Thomas snorted, covering his mouth immediately as he laughed. “That was _terrible_ ,” he said. Heart grinned, his nose wrinkling again for just a moment.

“Got you to laugh, though, so it couldn't have been too _cheesy_ ,” he said, holding up the cheese and making Thomas laugh again.

“Are you where I get my love of puns from?” Thomas asked. Heart shrugged. 

“Maybe. Or maybe I get it from you. Who's to say?” Heart said with a wry smile, gesturing vaguely. “There isn't really a handbook to how this all works, kiddo. We’re all figuring it out as we go.”

“You guys...don't just know?” Thomas questioned. “Janus always made it seem like it was all just...natural, to you guys.”

“Mmm. I bet he did,” Heart muttered under his breath, not quite soft enough for Thomas to miss it. Before Thomas could try to figure out whether or not to even address the comment, there was a soft unobtrusive ping that echoed through the kitchen.

“Think you got a text message, Thomas.” Heart said, nodding at Thomas's phone. Thomas blanched, recognizing the ping for what it was and bracing himself.

Who would appear? And how bad was this situation about to get?

“Afternoon, Thomas.”

Thomas breathed a sigh of relief as Logan appeared by the couch, his glowing eyes focused on his black notebook and not on the other side, who had gone very still by the stove. “I apologize for my tardiness, I lost track of time inside the Library—”

“Still overworking yourself, Lo?” Heart said, his voice just barely teasing as he started moving again, flipping the sandwich in the pan. “Haven't we talked about this before?”

Logan froze, his notebook falling to the floor as it slipped from his suddenly slack fingers. His eyes darted upwards, a painfully vulnerable look on his face as his gaze fell on the other side, who...

Who was smiling over his shoulder, turning the stove off as he slid the grilled cheese onto a plate.

“Hiya, Lo,” Heart said, his face unbearably soft as he looked at Logan. “Didja miss me?”

Thomas held his breath, cautiously watching the two sides. This was his first glimpse into what life had been like in the Other mindscape. Into their interactions. Logan was so tight-lipped about his time there...

Were they friendly? Or more like co-workers? Had they been a family like the core sides? 

...Did they miss Logan?

“I…” Logan looked stunned, his eyes flicking between Thomas and Heart rapidly. “How did this happen? Did...” He swallowed tightly. “Did you summon him, Thomas?”

“No.” Thomas said, apprehensive. “Heart said he could feel that I wasn't feeling great, so he decided to come help.”

“Gee, Lo, you’d think that you weren't happy to see me with that kind of welcome.” Heart said, spreading his arms out wide. “Doesn’t Thomas's happy pappy heart-healing father figure deserve a hug?”

“I…” Logan closed his mouth, and even though his eyes were still confused and bright, he relaxed, letting Heart pull him into an embrace. “I am...just surprised,” he said at last, his hand resting at the small of Heart’s back. “It is...so good to see you, Heart.”

“Wowie. Lo’s admitting to having a _feeling_ .” Heart said with a delighted little giggle, looking over at Thomas, who was watching the whole exchange with a weird sort of happiness blooming in his chest. “What _have_ you been doing to him, Thomas? I’ve been trying for twenty years to get that kind of progress out of him.”

“ _Heart…_ ” Logan said, and Thomas was amazed to hear something resembling a whine come out of Logan's mouth, a tinge of pink decorating his cheeks.

“Oh, don't pout at me, grumpy gears,” Heart teased, booping Logan on the nose. “Your face will stick that way.”

“That is factually incorrect,” Logan grumbled, rubbing at his nose petulantly. Heart laughed merrily at the cross eyed look on Logan's face, putting Thomas's sandwich in front of him and turning back to the stove, flipping the burner back on to start another.

“You said you were feeling sub-optimal, Thomas?” Logan said, taking his eyes off Heart with what looked like a considerable amount of effort. “About what in particular?”

“I, uh...I couldn’t figure that out. Heart said he had a way to help me feel better without knowing what was wrong though.”

“I see.” Logan said, turning back to Heart. “What step of the process are we on, then?”

“We’re taking a little snack break before step three.” Heart answered with a smile. 

“And...you are alright, as well?” Logan asked, concerned, watching Heart’s face intently. “If Thomas’s emotions are in flux...”

“Don’t you worry about me, Lolo.” Heart said with a dismissive little hand wave. “You know helping others helps me. I’ll be fine.”

“Wait, what?” Thomas said, alarmed. “Does my feeling bad hurt you, Heart?”

“No, kiddo, nothing like that.” Heart assured him. “I am your feelings, they can’t hurt me. It's just...when you feel bad, sometimes I get a little taste of it.”

“I’m so sorry—”

“No, Thomas.” Heart said, turning down the stove so he could face Thomas. “That isn't a bad thing, it's a _good_ thing.”

“How?”

“So I can help you, of course!” Heart locked eyes with Thomas, urging Thomas to listen. “Me and your feelings are just like Janus and the subconscious! I have to know what you’re feeling so I can help you, right?”

“I...I guess.”

“Oh-ho, I know that particular feelings cocktail, kiddo,” Heart said, touching his chest for a moment, his face sympathetic. “It's not a good idea, Thomas.”

“What is?”

“You’re thinking about trying to repress your emotions, aren't you? Trying to save me from them?” 

“How did you—?”

“That’s very sweet of you to want to do, Thomas. And I appreciate the sentiment behind that.” Heart reached over and ruffled Thomas's hair lightly, more a caress than anything else, one that made Thomas feel safe and taken care of. “It shows what a good person you are, that your first instinct is to try and save someone you barely know. I love that about you, kiddo.” Thomas blushed, avoiding Heart’s eyes until the side tilted his face back up with a hand on his cheek. “But you can't, okay?”

“But—”

“ _Trust me_ , repressing your emotions never works out in the long run, right Lo?”

“That is accurate,” Logan said immediately. “It is also futile, as Heart would feel your emotions regardless of your attempts to outwardly suppress them. He _is_ your feelings, Thomas. You and he cannot stop that, any more than you or I could stop sharing your memories.”

“Couldn't have put it better myself, Lo.” Heart said, patting Logan’s arm. “Go sit next to Thomas, your sandwich is almost ready.”

“I do not need to be fed.” Logan said, immediately. Heart raised an eyebrow at him.

“Tell me you’ve eaten in the last four hours and I won't make you eat it.” Heart said, crossing his arms. “Go on.”

Logan said nothing for several seconds, before sighing heavily.

“That’s what I thought, you busy bee.” Heart said with an indulgent smile. “Go sit.”

“I am surprised that Janus has let you stay.” Logan said, taking a seat next to Thomas. “I am comforted that he has...let go of some of his misgivings regarding the Others.”

“I mean, hopefully,” Thomas said, laughing awkwardly. “I haven't talked to him today, but I'm sure it won't be as bad as it was with you.''

Logan stilled, his eyes flashing as they flicked between Thomas and Heart, who was humming softly as he cooked.

“Janus has not made an appearance?” Logan asked, under his breath. “Not since Heart arrived?”

“No,” Thomas said, just as soft, not sure why Logan looked so...apprehensive.

“What about Virgil? Remus?”

“No.” Thomas shook his head, puzzled. “I mean, they're busy with their own stuff, Logan, you know that.”

“Right,” Logan murmured, turning to direct his attention to the side at the stove. “Heart.”

“Yes, Lo?” Heart replied with a sunny smile, glancing at him over his shoulder while he flipped the grilled cheese onto another plate with a flourish.

“Have you spoken to Janus today?”

“Course I did, Lolo!” Heart said with a sound somewhere between a laugh and a scoff. “I had to pass through the core mindscape on my way here, you know that!”

“You do?” Thomas asked, curious.

“Of course, silly.” Heart said, taking the seat across from Thomas and Logan. He pushed the second sandwich towards Logan with a big smile, making pointed glances at it until Logan picked it up. “I'm surprised that Lo hasn't explained it. Our mindscape is on another level of your mind, a lower level. To get up here to the surface, we have to pass through the core.”

“And...you spoke to Janus.” Logan repeated, looking blank in a way Thomas had not seen in a while. He made no move to eat the grilled cheese in his hand, his eyes focused intently on Heart.

“We had a quick little tete a tete when I was passing through the mindscape.” Heart looked unconcerned. Thomas watched as Logan’s shoulders twitched. 

“What did you discuss?” Logan was obviously going for casual, but he landed somewhere around tense. Heart seemed not to notice.

“Oh, nothing much. This and that. Then I think he went to take a nap, he was looking pretty beat.”

Logan froze, and Thomas looked at him in question. His glowing eyes were whirling rapidly, processing _something,_ though Thomas had no idea what. This whole conversation felt like there was some context he was missing, but at the same time he was too emotionally exhausted to try and figure it out himself. 

“Excuse me for a moment, Thomas.” Logan said flatly before disappearing abruptly. Thomas blinked at the now empty space and abandoned sandwich, before turning to Heart, hoping for an explanation he didn’t have to work for.

“What was that about?”

“Probably just figured out where a memory goes. He used to do that to me all the time,” Heart said as he stood, gathering the baking supplies from the counter. He cleared a spot on the table, starting to measure out ingredients. “Eat your sandwich kiddo, while I make the batter. Then you grab those treats from the cabinets!” 

* * *

“And that’s step four done!” Heart crowed as he slid the nearly overfull baking dish into Thomas’s oven. 

“What?” Thomas stopped in the middle of gathering the trash from his cabinet sweep, looking up at Heart. “I thought this was step three.”

“Nope!” Heart said, taking the dirty dishes to the sink and filling them with warm water to soak, saving the doughy spatula to hand to Thomas. “Heart’s Heart Healing Process, in order, is step one, relax with optional cuddles and watch something you’ve already seen that you like. Hence Parks and Rec. You even got that one started without me.”

“Maybe that was your influence on me.” Thomas said, scraping sticky, candy filled dough off of the spatula with the side of his finger, popping it into his mouth. 

Heart grinned warmly, holding up two fingers. “Step two is catharsis via music. Step three is perform one low stakes household chore, like…” he gestured to Thomas's cabinets, “clearing out your cabinets of odds and ends. Step four is making something, anything really, so that you can feel productive and rewarded.” 

Heart tapped the front of the oven with his hand. “Step five will be eating one of these delicious treats, and if you’re feeling a little dangerous, maybe even _two_ of them,” he said with a wink.

“And...and that's it? That's all I'll need to do to feel better?”

“I mean...don't you feel better now, kiddo?” Heart said with a knowing look in his eyes. “Even before we get to the last step?”

“I…” Thomas began, trailing off as he realized that Heart was right. He _did_ feel better, so much better than he had just a couple of hours before. “How…”

“Haven't you figured it out yet, Thomas?” Heart asked patiently. “Why you felt so cruddy to begin with?”

“I…” Thomas paused, realization dawning. He looked back at Heart with wide eyes. “Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“I was...lonely?”

“Pretty much, kiddo.” 

“But how...and why though?” Thomas asked, confused. “I’ve seen more of Joan lately than I have in months. I...I found you guys, I always have someone I can call—”

“Yeah, you do,” Heart interrupted, his voice gentle as he cocked his head at Thomas. “So why didn't you?”

“Huh?”

“Maybe you didn't really _know_ you were lonely.” Heart said, leaning back against the countertop. “But I checked your messages when I had your phone, Thomas. You asked your friends if they were available. Why didn't you ask your sides?”

“I…” Thomas looked away, his heart clenching a little. “I don't know.”

Heart sneezed abruptly and loudly, startling Thomas. “Excuse me,” he said, rubbing his nose. “That one stung a bit, Tommykins.”

“Huh?”

“Fun little power I have, Thomas?” Heart said, not looking at Thomas. “I can smell when you’re lying. You do know. Be honest, kiddo. Why didn't you call them?”

“Because...because they _have_ to come.” Thomas couldn’t begin to process Heart’s newly revealed power, because once Thomas allowed the words to flow, he couldn’t seem to stop.

“Janus is always saying how everything they do, they do for me. Virgil says that I'm their whole world, Remus said I'm his hero...but they didn't choose any of this. They’re...they’re stuck with me, they don't have any choice, and it feels...I feel bad for asking more of them. They're already doing so much for me, every single day, how can I ask for more?” Thomas finished plaintively. He hadn’t realized how much this was bothering him until it was out in the open, and he desperately hoped Heart could somehow fix it, just like he had fixed his mood earlier. 

“Thomas.” Heart said, reaching out and putting his hand over Thomas’s. “If they needed something from you, what would you do?”

“What?”

“If one of your sides came to you, and asked for support, because they felt like they were failing you, what would you do?”

“I’d do whatever I could to help them!”

“Why?” Heart asked immediately, lighting up like Thomas was on the verge of something profound. 

“Because…because I love them.”

“Exactly!” Heart cried, clapping his hands in joy. “And we love you, Thomas. More than we can really explain to you.” He crossed the kitchen, taking Thomas’s hands in his own. “It’s a privilege to be a part of you, Thomas, because you are an amazing, wonderfully good person.” 

He squeezed Thomas’s hands in between each compliment, as if he could press the praise into Thomas’s skin, as if he could make Thomas absorb what he was saying. “But everyone needs a little support now and then. And if you want to be there for them, you can't fault them for wanting to be there for you.”

Thomas nodded lightly, eyes wide at Heart’s effusive love. Heart seemed to sense that Thomas needed a minute to process, because he smiled gently and squeezed Thomas’s hands one last time before letting go, turning back to finish cleaning the kitchen. 

It...it just didn’t make sense.

Why was Heart bad? He seemed...he seemed so nice. 

Deciding to table that question until he saw the rest of his side—and this time he would not be satisfied with their “just because” rhetoric, no sir—Thomas decided to ask a different question, one that had been on his mind all day. 

“Hey Heart.” Thomas said hesitantly, fidgeting with his hoodie strings, “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure, kiddo.”

“I thought that the other sides all have different eyes than me.” Thomas began, becoming more nervous as the expression dropped from Heart’s face. “I mean, that’s what Lo—”

“I do.”

“Huh?”

“I do have different eyes. Not as distinctive as Lo’s but, still.” He laughed a little, under his breath, looking at Thomas with an expression that made Thomas's breath catch in his chest, something...longing. “He said you asked about his eyes too, that first time he went to see you.”

“He told you that?”

“He told me everything about that first meeting. He was...was nervous that he messed up, that first time. Might have got a little obsessed with it, I guess.”

“He didn't mess anything up.”

“I know. He knocked it out of the park.” Heart said, enigmatically, before shaking himself, offering a hand to Thomas. “C’mere, it will be easier to see from closer.”

Thomas took Heart’s hand and followed him to the couch, letting Heart sit them down on its squashy surface.

“You can really see it when I move them. Are you watching?” Heart asked, leaning close as if he were about to share a secret.

“Yes?” Thomas said, and then Heart flicked his eyes to the side.

And his irises rippled.

“Whoa.” Thomas breathed, transfixed. Even through the glasses, it was clear that the matter that made up Heart’s irises was decidedly liquid, flowing in little eddies as Heart continued to move his eyes from side to side. “That’s really cool!”

“Thanks, kiddo.” Heart said, something in his voice soft and vulnerable. “The way Lo went on about it, I thought you might be freaked out by them.”

“I wasn't. I’m not.” Thomas assured him. “It’s different...but it's not _bad_.”

“Glad you think so—” Heart started, expression lighting up, before abruptly falling into something more hesitant and solemn. “Thomas...listen, I…I want to tell you something. I want you to hear it from me.”

Thomas frowned in concern. “What is it?”

“I...I—” 

Hearts eyes moved off of Thomas, catching on something just behind Thomas and widening. 

That was all the warning Thomas had before a purple blur moved just in his peripheral vision, a loud shout echoing in the apartment. 

“GET THE _FUCK_ AWAY FROM HIM!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heart’s Heart Healing Process is not an official therapeutic technique, however it has helped us with the occasional bad mood! 
> 
> Next chapter in one week! 
> 
> Where _did_ Logan go?


	2. My Faulty Logic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Droid and Alicat from the server for their made up math! And double thanks for Alicat for being an amazing beta, because this chapter wouldn’t be here without them!

Logan appeared in the core mindscape, mind whirring with possibilities and contingencies. Patton had almost certainly lied—the likelihood that Janus had gone to take a _nap_ , while _Patton_ went to talk with Thomas _alone_ ? Logan did not need to calculate it— _approximately five out of five hundred and four, less than one percent chance actually, based on his observed data_ —to know the odds were bad. And that meant… 

It meant Patton had made yet another emotionally charged decision that Logan could not understand. That the core sides _would not_ understand. If he had done what Logan suspected, it would ruin everything they had worked for, every careful plan they had made together. 

Part of Logan desperately wanted to run to the Library and review his memories, to find the place where everything went wrong, where he had misstepped, _why had Patton done this—_? 

Logan shook his head. Now was not the time to obsess over his mistakes—there would be time for that later. But there was a chance now, however...infinitesimal, that he could salvage this. If he did this right, perhaps there was a way out of this quagmire.

He _could_ fix this. He could find the other core sides and _explain._ Explain why Patton did what he did...even if Logan himself was still trying to figure it out. Logan tore through the common areas of the mindscape, mind running through explanation after explanation—he would only have one chance, it had to be _perfect—_ searching as thoroughly as he could in his frantic state.

He needed to find them.

_Why Patton, why would you do it like this—? No. Focus. How…?_

Without an invitation, Patton would not have been able to enter the mindscape the conventional way…

Which meant there was only one alternative avenue he could have taken.

 _Please tell me you did not drag_ **_either_ ** _of them into this!_ Logan tripped up the stairs in his haste, still desperately trying to come up with _something_ that would show the core sides that Patton did not mean to—Logan was not even sure what Patton had done yet, but they had a plan for a _reason!_ What had Patton been thinking?! This was…

This was not part of the _plan_.

“Remus?” he called, seeing the door to Remus’s room ajar, not really expecting there to be a response. “I am coming in.”

He opened the door, his breath burning in his lungs as he held it. 

Remus was sitting at his desk, his notebook open and a pen hanging limply in his hand as he stared blankly at the wall, his eyes a dull, silvery gray. Logan swallowed back his immediate, instinctual dismay at the sight, forcing himself to look at the situation critically.

Remus was sitting comfortably, and there was nothing in his general vicinity that could hurt him if left alone while Logan found the others. And as much as it pained Logan to leave him like this…

He didn't really have a choice.

“Remus.” Logan said, bending down to press his forehead against Remus’s temple. Remus...Remus could not hear him in this state. But Logan felt compelled to reassure him anyway. “Remus, I will be back momentarily. I will...I will fix this, Remus. I promise.”

It didn't make any sense. This...this was beyond any grasp of understanding Logan had with regards to emotion, devoid of logic and reason. And to bring Remus into it all, to bring them _all_ to this state…

But now was not the time to puzzle it out, he reminded himself. Now the only thing he could do was try to mitigate the damage. 

He found Virgil in much the same position, standing eerily behind his closed door, now gray eyes staring at nothing, hair still dripping water from a post-workout shower. 

Logan swallowed, taking Virgil by the hand to lead him to his messy, unkempt bed, settling him among the flannel sheets and dark blankets. Virgil went easily, as easy to puppet as a doll.

He opened his mouth to offer words of comfort to Virgil, similar to those he had given Remus, but none would come. He could only squeeze Virgil’s shoulder, hoping the action would translate to Virgil’s dormant mind and bring him some measure of reassurance.

Then he went looking for Janus.

He could have said that Janus was more difficult to find, but that statement would be a falsehood. Logan merely stalled for time, looking everywhere else except the most obvious place he would be, out of...cowardice, perhaps.

He didn't know why the thought of going into Janus's room filled him with such apprehension. It wasn't as if he were forbidden to pass through the sunshine yellow door; Janus had never expressly prohibited him from doing so.

Nevertheless, the room exuded some kind of...aura, one he could not describe and would think was entirely within his own head, if he hadn't seen Virgil and Remus unconsciously avoiding it as well. Even Janus seemed eager to spend more of his time outside of his own room than within it.

But Logan had searched the entire mindscape, and had still not found Janus.

Which led to him standing outside the yellow door in question, trying to work up the nerve to open it.

“This is foolish.” he berated himself, after several moments spent in limbo. “You are being ridiculous. There is nothing to fear, and besides that, they _need_ you. So just _open the door already!_ ”

If he closed his eyes, he could almost imagine Virgil at his side, saying the words coming out of his own mouth.

He opened the door.

He cast his eyes around the unfamiliar room quickly. A well organized desk space, furniture and bookshelves made from dark mahogany wood, no other doorways within the space…

Nothing that explained the chill that went down Logan's spine as he crossed the threshold. 

But he ignored it, focusing instead on the side seated in a well worn leather armchair, tucked into the corner behind the door, blank faced and gray eyed like the rest of them.

Logan allowed himself a tiny sigh of relief at the sight of Janus, before the realities of what he would have to do next started to sink in.

After all, finding them safe and well was one thing, but now…

Now he had to wake them up, and that was something entirely different.

* * *

He took a deep breath to steady his nerves, ice melting cold in his hand, dripping a little onto the pale carpet of Janus's room.

In his experience, without Patton to help wake them up, the only course of action he had was a shocking sensation of some type, be it pain, or something equally as intense.

And he adamantly refused to hurt them any further than he already was.

“I am sorry.” he said, touching the ice cube to the back of Janus's neck and _ducking._

As expected, Janus reacted violently, swinging wildly with an almost animal cry as the grey of his irises changed back to brown between one blink and the next.

“JANUS!” Logan said sharply, unfolding from his crouch and catching Janus's wrists to steady him. “Be still!”

Janus fought against his hold, his wrists twisting as he tried to break free. “No, no, no, no…” he snarled over and over, throwing his weight back to knock Logan off balance. Logan planted his feet and held on despite this.

“Your name is Janus!” he grunted, attempting to trigger an emotional response, anything to try and get through to Janus. “You are Thomas Sanders’s sense of Self-Preservation, his first side, the conduit to the subconscious! You are the undisputed leader of the core sides, and you need to calm down! Your—” Logan faltered, nearly losing his grip, “Your fellow sides need you, Janus! REMUS AND VIRGIL NEED YOU, JANUS!”

Janus paused, his head snapping up as his struggles ceased. “Logan?” Janus asked, his voice confused, inhaling great gasps of air and shaking. 

“Yes. Please take a deep breath.” Logan said, shifting the grip on Janus's wrist to feel for his pulse, wildly beating under his skin. “You are safe, Janus. There is no need to panic.”

“What...where’s…” His eyes darted around the room, fixing on a spot behind Logan for a few moments before he met Logan's gaze. “What happened?”

“Please take a deep breath.” Logan repeated, in what he knew would be a vain attempt to avoid answering that question directly.

“Logan.” Janus said, his eyes focusing at last. “Where...where’s Virgil? He...he was just here…”

_Patton…tell me you did not…_

If Janus thought Virgil had just been there, and had no idea what had happened...then Patton had been _shifted_ , had disguised himself as one of the core sides in order to get close. They would almost certainly _never_ trust Patton after a deception like that, never trust _either_ of them, and Logan couldn’t let that happen, not to Patton, and not to—

“He is...in his room now, Janus.” Logan winced, the evasion coming out of his mouth before he could consider every angle, but Janus seemed not to notice his indecision.

“Something...something’s wrong.” Janus said, still confused. “What’s going on?”

“I…” Logan cast around for a simple explanation, something that would appease Janus and incriminate Patton the least for now, “I believe that...you have been put into an altered mental state. You were incapacitated for some time—”

“ _What?_ ” Janus hissed, his fingers digging into Logan's forearms. “How? Is Thomas alright?”

“Thomas is fine. He was unaffected.” Logan assured him, and while a little of the tension in Janus's form melted away at his words, he did not release his stranglehold on Logan one iota. “However, you were not the only one put in such a state.”

“Where’s Virgil?” Janus asked immediately, his eyes wide and full of fear. “Is he alright? Where’s Remus? Are they both safe?”

“You wake up Virgil.” Logan replied, deciding that the best course of action would be to let Janus make his own inferences, rather than say the damning truth aloud. “I suggest a sudden and shocking sensation, I myself used ice to wake you up, and I will do the same for Remus—”

“Remus?” Janus repeated, sounding lost. “Remus too?” His eyes narrowed. “Who did this, Logan? Do you know?”

“I...have my suspicions.” Logan said cagily. 

“So do I.” Janus said, his voice nearly a snarl. “And he’s going to _pay_ for hurting my boys, I promise you that.”

 _No. He did not hurt them. He has...altered their mental states but the pain you feel is not his doing._ **_I_ ** _hurt you. Please understand that distinction._

But there was no time to explain—an explanation he still did not quite have—or to assuage Janus’s accusations. He had to get back to Remus.

“I will handle Remus. Please assist Virgil in his room and then meet me in the common area, and we will deal with the situation together.” 

Janus nodded shakily, determination stealing over his features. “Right. Right. Together.”

They left the room as one, but something made Logan turn back at the doorway, looking back at the unassuming room once more, trying to identify the strange feeling prickling the back of his neck. 

“Logan!” Janus barked, and Logan tore his eyes away from the room, closing the door behind him.

And only then did the feeling of being watched abate entirely.

* * *

Remus jolted away from the feeling of ice on the back of his neck, an anguished cry leaving him, and only a lightning fast movement on Logan's part prevented him from toppling completely off of his chair. Logan…

Logan pulled Remus into his arms, holding on despite Remus’s instinctive struggles. In that moment, he didn't much care whether Remus summoned a dagger to stab him in his violent awakening. He just...he just needed Remus to be okay, needed to to hold him close, as if Logan's arms could shield him from the hurt that was already in his mind. “Remus. Remus, it is alright. You are alright.”

“No…” Remus whimpered, his hands bunching the fabric of Logan's shirt. Logan wasn't entirely sure if Remus was trying to pull him closer or shove him away, but he held on regardless, rocking slightly as he continued to speak.

“Your name is Remus.” he said softly, even as he realized that Remus was sobbing near silently into his shirt. The only audible sound coming from the younger side was a quiet, devastated, repeated, “No, no, no, no…” that tore into Logan’s heart with painful accuracy. 

“You are Thomas Sanders’ Impulsivity and Creativity.” Remus outright whined at that, his whole body shaking. He did not cease his mutterings, though they did get just a little quieter, so Logan pressed on. “There is nothing to fear here. I have you, and no harm will come to you while I am with you. I promise you that, Remus. You are safe. It is alright.”

It took much longer for Remus to regain his faculties than Janus had. Logan wondered if it was because Janus was a more mature side, more sure of himself and his role than Remus. 

He hoped it was not because the strain on Remus’s prodigious mind was greater, or more damaging. Patton had to have put Remus under first, perhaps there was a time factor…?

He wished that he had taken the time to learn more about these side effects. More than that, he wished he could help with more than useless platitudes that did nothing to apologize or make up for the damage he had already wrought.

Finally, Remus sniffled, moving his head just enough that his face was no longer buried in Logan's chest. “What happened?” he asked, his voice hoarse.

“Are you alright?” Logan asked, even as he knew the true answer was ‘no’. 

“Did...did I fall asleep?” Remus asked. “We were just talking, right? I didn't hear you knock, but you came...you came to check on me, right?”

 _Patton. Patton, how_ **_could_ ** _you…_

“Logan? You’re...you’re glowing.”

 _Of course I'm glowing. He used_ **_my face_ ** _to disarm you, Remus. How could I not be exceedingly upset at that fact?_

“It is irrelevant.” Logan said, and his suspicions about Remus's mental state were all but confirmed when Remus did not chastise him for using that word. “Come with me, Remus, we have to meet up with Janus and Virgil.”

“Why?” Remus asked, even as he followed Logan obediently. “Did something happen?”

Logan stumbled through a vague explanation of the current situation, only saying what needed to be said to assuage Remus's questions and assuring him that all would be explained once they joined Janus and Virgil.

However, Janus and Virgil were not where they were supposed to be. In fact, after a cursory search, it was quite apparent that they were not in the mindscape at all.

They had gone to the real world without him.

“ _Fuck,_ ” Logan swore, biting the inside of his cheek angrily as he turned to Remus. “Remus, I have to go.”

“What?”

“I have to,” he said, letting his hand fall from Remus’s shoulder, only to have Remus grab it with something close to desperation.

“I’m coming with you.”

“Remus—”

“ _Please,_ ” Remus pleaded, his eyes shiny. “Please don't leave me too, Logan. Please.”

There was something...uncharacteristically raw, about the way Remus begged, something that Logan had never heard in the younger side’s voice before, and frankly, was reluctant to ever hear again. Remus spoke like being alone, like Logan leaving him alone, would be akin to surgery without anesthetic, like opening him up and ripping out vital organs until Remus was nothing but hollow inside.

Logan started at the metaphor that raced through his mind, which was extremely uncharacteristic of himself, as well. He looked down at where his hand was being clutched by Remus’s.

Interesting. He had not known Remus could do that.

But that was an observation for another time. 

“Alright,” Logan said, putting his other hand back on Remus’s shoulder. “Alright, Remus. We can go together.”

Remus slumped like his strings had been cut, such an extreme release of tension that Logan blinked. He squeezed Remus’s shoulders, overcome with the desire to promise him that he would never leave him, but the words stuck in his throat. 

_He could not make that promise. Not again. Not when he was not sure that he would not break it again._

Logan settled for squeezing Remus’s shoulders again, trying to give him the most comforting look he was capable of. Remus nodded resolutely, and Logan squared his shoulders, mind whirling with possibilities. As much as he wanted to keep Remus away from whatever confrontation was about to happen, he couldn’t deny that there was some measure of comfort knowing that Remus was at his back. 

Logan gripped Remus’s hand, and they blinked out to face the unknown.

Together. 

* * *

“Logan!” Thomas yelped as he and Remus appeared in front of the staircase, looking supremely relieved at the sight of him, “Can you please explain what is going on here?!”

Logan glanced around the room, taking in as much information as he could, buying time to answer Thomas’s question. Janus was standing tense in the middle of the room, gaze bouncing between Thomas standing by the couch, and Patton— 

Patton, who was leaning on the wall with Virgil’s hands fisted in his clothes, keeping him pinned. Patton, who looked back nonchalant and innocently confused, like he had _no idea_ why everyone was so upset. He gave a little wave with his hand towards Logan, like none of this was happening, like everything _wasn’t about to fall apart._

Logan ripped his attention away from Patton, focusing back on Thomas. Thomas, who looked shaken and pale, wringing his hands together and looking to Logan like he had all the answers. 

“Are you alright, Thomas?” Logan asked abruptly, avoiding an explanation entirely. He had not considered that waking the core sides up so abruptly could have had an adverse effect on Thomas himself, but now that he had, it was all he could think about, nausea curling in his stomach. He hadn’t been thinking ahead, just like _before_ and had _he hurt Thomas again_ on top of everything else—?

“He’s fine,” Janus interrupted before Thomas could say a word. Logan let out a breath, trying to refocus his attention on what was happening _now,_ not on theoreticals he couldn’t do anything about. “We all will be fine once we send _him_ back where he belongs,” He continued, snarling in the direction of Virgil and Patton.

“Janus, I told you, there's no reason to be so hostile—” Thomas crossed his arms, and Logan could almost hope that Thomas _understood—_

“There’s PLENTY of reasons to be hostile, Thomas!” Janus snapped at Thomas, shocking him into silence, his defensive posture dropping. “I told you. I TOLD you they were dangerous, and you _didn't listen, why didn't you listen?!_ ”

“Janus, you must calm yourself—” Logan cautiously reached out to Janus; there would be _nothing_ to salvage if they weren’t _calm._

“DON'T TOUCH ME!” Janus shouted, his eyes wild, gesturing violently, glaring first at Logan, then at Patton. Patton, who was still pinned to the wall by Virgil’s grip, Patton, who hadn’t fought back, Patton, who was the reason this all was _happening._

“JANUS!” Thomas’s voice rang out, his command echoing with power. “ **_CALM DOWN!_ ** _”_

Janus froze, breathing heavily. Logan couldn’t help but hold his breath as he felt the edges of the order ripple over him, and Patton’s eyes were wide, trained on Thomas. This was the first time Patton had seen Thomas use this newfound ability, and he couldn’t seem to process it, face wary and considering. 

“Talk to me,” Thomas finally said into the quiet. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

“ _He’s_ what's wrong,” Janus said lowly, pointing an accusing finger in Patton's direction. Patton, thankfully, was still not fighting against Virgil’s tight grip, although the slowly darkening expression dawning over his face was nothing but foreboding. “He came into our mindscape, into our _home_ , and he...he did something to us, he...hypnotized us, or something. He pretended to be us, he _tricked_ me, tricked all of us, all so he could get you alone.” 

Thomas’s face fell, and Logan flinched. He desperately wanted to refute Janus’s words, wanted to _fix this,_ they did not _know_ Patton like he did— _and whose fault is that?_

“Heart?” Thomas turned pleadingly to Patton, eyes wide and hopeful for a denial. “Is this true?”

“I…” Patton winced, glancing quickly around the room only to land back on Thomas. “I just wanted to help you, Thomas.” He tried to turn to Thomas but Virgil shoved him forcibly back against the wall. Patton barely faltered at the rough treatment, continuing imploringly, eyes locked on Thomas. “I knew they wouldn't let me get near you—”

“So?” Virgil growled, baring his teeth. “That makes it OKAY, what you _did_ to us?”

“What choice did you give me?!” Patton snarled, glowering at each of the core sides. Logan shrank back as Patton’s gaze landed on him, but he softened ever so slightly as he continued. “How am I supposed to help Thomas—”

“You're NOT!” Virgil shouted, tightening the fist he had bunched in Patton’s polo. Patton’s eyes narrowed again, drawing back to Virgil. “You’re never going to be near him again, if I have anything to say about it!”

“And what _do_ you have to say about it, Instinct?” Patton snapped, his face contorting into a vicious snarl. “From what I heard, you don't do much of anything without permission from Janny over there. Is that because you’re too _stupid_ to think on your own or too _scared_?”

“Virgil, _NO_ —” Logan shouted, as Virgil pulled back his fist. He took a step forward but was far too slow to stop Virgil from landing a solid right hook across Patton’s face.

Logan watched, frozen and tense beyond measure, as Patton's glasses went sailing across the room, the side letting out a grunt of pain as his temple connected with the wall. He stayed still for a moment, barely seeming to _breathe_ , before he opened his eyes, glaring at Virgil with the coldest gunmetal grey eyes Logan had ever seen.

“You’re gonna regret that, kiddo,” Patton growled. The liquid of his irises began to swirl, twin pools of mercury spiraling towards the center, Virgil trapped in their faint glow. 

Behind him, Remus squeaked, immediately echoed by Thomas as Janus covered his eyes. “Don't look, Thomas,” the eldest side said, closing his own eyes as well.

In contrast, Logan couldn't look away from Virgil’s form, watching as Virgil's grip slackened, his arms falling to his sides as his shoulders slumped. Patton sneered, shoving Virgil back a step so he could move away, heading for where his glasses had fallen.

“Told him he was going to regret that,” Patton muttered, pushing his glasses back onto his face. “Guess you really got all the brains between the two of you, huh, Logic?”

“Patton,” Logan said, knowing that only Patton would be able to hear his own name, looking at Virgil's entranced body. He swallowed tightly past the lump in his throat. “Please desist this behavior.”

“Or what? You gonna _school_ me, Teach?” Patton said with a humorless laugh. “Unfortunately, emotions aren't really your strong subject, are they?”

 _Oh no._ “Patton—”

“Look at yourself, you really let yourself go since you _defected_ . Where’s your necktie? Don't you know that serious people wear neckties, Logic? How is Thomas supposed to take you seriously if you’re _not being serious_?”

“His name is Logan, not Logic,” Remus said from behind Logan, which, although sweet, was the last thing Logan needed right now.

He watched as Patton's face mutated in his rage, his pupils narrowing down to tiny little pinpricks, his lip twitching as if holding back a snarl.

“You got your name?” he said, his soft voice belying the anger on his face.

“Patton, please, you must not—”

“I must not WHAT?” Patton shouted, loud and harsh, and in the fading light of the sunset, Logan could see the...the sharp points of new teeth protruding from Patton's mouth, and his apprehension grew tenfold. “You really think I'm going to listen to you NOW, Logic? I’m not STUCK with you anymore, I don't have to pretend to like it when you constantly try to reign me in. And I'm so HAPPY you managed to find people willing to put up with your condescending, know it all, robotic self!” 

Patton stalked forward, all his attention and emotion now focused solely on Logan, ignoring as Janus pulled a shaking Thomas with him to check on Virgil. “Do they enjoy having you constantly butt into their business when you have no idea what you’re doing? Parading around like you're the keeper of all the answers, when it took a literal lightshow to get it through your skull that you should leave emotions to the people who are _capable_ of them!”

Logan couldn’t help it, he flinched, circuits crawling down his arms, glowing even brighter than ever before. 

Logically, he knew he should not take these words as true reflections of Patton's feelings. Patton was upset, exceedingly so, and his and Thomas’s distress were feeding into each other, and he was lashing out in a way he would no doubt regret later. Of this, Logan was absolutely certain. Patton would never say such things under normal circumstances.

That did not mean the words lost their bite.

Logan watched as Patton's eyes flicked down, the liquid mercury of his irises rippling as he took in the bright circuitry expanding on Logan's skin. He watched as Patton's eyes widened, his mouth opening just a bit, his hands unclenching for just a moment as he seemed to...surface, from under the tidal wave of anger.

He looked up at Logan, their eyes meeting once more, and Logan was not good at reading emotion, but he could see the apology growing in Patton's eyes.

Unfortunately, he was the only one who did.

“L-leave him alone!” Remus said shakily, somehow finding the courage to actually open his eyes and glare at Patton. “He is not a _robot_!”

And to Logan’s abject despair, Patton’s face hardened again, Remus’s well-intentioned but _ill-timed_ outburst dragging him right back into the maelstrom. “Oh, you want some of this too, _Impulsivity_ ?” He snarled, turning his once again burning cold attention on Remus. “Your heaviest hitter’s out of commission, baby boy. And you’re still recovering from your wake up call.” He advanced on Remus, who scrambled back against the stairs away from him. “How was that dream I put you in, Impulsivity? Was it everything you ever wanted? I made it so _special_ , just for _you_.”

Remus whimpered, his eyes wide and terrified, and that seemed to be the last straw for Janus, who moved across the room between one blink and the next, forcing Patton back from both Logan and Remus.

“Leave. Now,” Janus snarled, his eyes flashing with rage, “Or I will _make_ you.”

“You can't make me do _anything—_ ” Patton began.

“You…” Thomas interrupted, his voice shaking. “You _tricked_ me.”

“What?” Patton’s face dropped, pivoting away from Janus to stare at Thomas.

Janus stayed tense, keeping himself between Patton and the frozen Remus and Logan, but all of Patton’s attention was locked on Thomas’s agonized words. “You made me think you were sweet, and nice, and that you were here to help me.” 

“I was—!” Patton tried to interject, but Thomas kept going, talking over him.

“But I see what you really are.” Thomas watched him, his betrayal plain to see on his face, and a quiet wounded sound escaped Patton. “You’re not my Heart, you can't _possibly_ be my Heart. You’re...you’re **_Manipulation_ **.” 

“T-Thomas…” Patton’s voice was tremulous, hands reaching out entreatingly. Logan held his breath, his skin still prickling with glowing circuits. “Thomas, I'm sorry, I'm sorry for what I said, I didn't mean it, please—”

“No. I'm not gonna fall for that again.” Thomas’s face hardened, clenching his hands at his sides. “Get out of my apartment, Manipulation.”

“Thomas—!”

“ **_GET OUT_ **!”

Thomas had never forced a side away before. It was an unprecedented behavior for him. 

That fact left Logan completely unprepared for what happened next.

It was as if the ground had opened up under Patton, like the carpet of Thomas’s living room had suddenly turned to quicksand. Patton struggled, attempting to extricate himself from the force pressing him down, down into the Other mindscape against his will.

“Thomas!” he cried, his face equal parts horrorstuck and distraught. “Thomas, I’m sorry, I'm sorry, Thomas!” He cast his eyes around the room, trying to find sympathy in any of the faces around him. Janus was vindictively stoic, with Virgil still trapped in the vacant stare of hypnosis; Remus still looked too terrified to be processing anything correctly, and…

Patton’s mercury eyes locked with Logan's. Logan did not have the faintest idea if any of his turbulent emotions were playing on his face. Patton always seemed to know what Logan was feeling before he himself had figured it out.

Did Patton see his regret? Did he see the guilt, and the pain, and how he wished that he could do something to help but Thomas had made a decision and who was Logan to go against _Thomas_?

Did he see the betrayal? Did he see, did he see, _did he understand—?_

“Please, you have to believe me,” Patton begged, sunk to his chest, clawing at the carpet like it could anchor him to the real world. “I didn't, I didn't mean it, I’m SORRY! _THOMAS—!_ ”

And then he was gone, swallowed up, his cries cutting off so abruptly that the silence rang in a sickening way.

Leaving Thomas and his sides alone in the aftermath, shaken to their cores.

* * *

_“Logic, I don't know what to do.” Patton’s eyes were wide, the tears welling up, making the silver of his eyes seem even more liquid than usual. “I can’t...I can’t control how strong these feelings are.”_

_“I understand—”_

_“You DON’T!” Patton wailed. “You DON’T understand, Logic! It feels like holding back a bomb, all the time. And what happens if you’re caught in the blast when I eventually go off? What happens if I hurt you? I…” Patton sobbed, hiding his face from Logic. “I couldn't stand it if I hurt you, Logic. You’re all I have, I can't lose you, too.”_

_“Listen to me, Patton,” Logic said, taking Patton's hands away from his face, holding them tightly in his own. “Breathe like I taught you and listen, alright?”_

_Patton listened, of course. Patton always listened._

_“You will not lose me,” Logic said, firmly, unquestionable. “I have seen how these...extreme emotions tax you, Patton. I understand how difficult it must be to contain all of Thomas's emotions and your own intensified feelings. I do not expect you to be infallible.”_

_“But I have to be.” Tears slipped down Patton’s face, glowing with the same polished silver as his eyes. “What if I say or do something to hurt you while I'm mad for both myself and Thomas?” He tried to pull his hands away, anguished and afraid, but Logic would not let him go. “We have to find a way to get you back over there before I hurt you—”_

_“You will not hurt me,” Logic insisted. “And I will not abandon you to deal with these feelings alone. We will figure this out together.”_

_“But what if I hurt you?”_

_“I will forgive you.”_

_“You can't know that!”_

_“I can, and I do. I will not hold what you say or do while in the throes of something beyond your control against you, Patton. And as long as you have me, I will do everything in my power to help you...metaphorically defuse the bomb.” Logic released one of Patton's hands, placing it on the crying side’s face, wiping away the quicksilver tears with his thumb. “You will always have me, Patton. I promise.”_

“Tell me again,” Thomas said, interrupting Logan's guilty reminiscing. Virgil groaned from the other side of the couch, a pillow pressed over his face, muffling his words.

“You already _know_ what happened—”

“I know, I know, and I'm not trying to undermine what you guys went through but I just don't understand.” Thomas looked at each of his sides helplessly. “He seemed so _nice_.”

“It’s not your fault, Thomas,” Janus said, holding an ice pack against his face. He had been the one to wake Virgil from his trance again, and had been just a bit too slow dodging Virgil’s fist. “That’s how Manipulation works.” Janus scowled, before his gaze turned inward, looking troubled. “He was pretending to be Virgil. I...I let my guard down because of that, and looking back...there were signs, signs that it was him, I just didn't want to see them.”

“He looked like Janus to me,” Virgil said after several moments, drawing everyone's attention. “One second it was Janus, telling me that Thomas had asked him to…” he shrugged, the pillow moving jerkily. “I guess I looked up when he said your name, ‘cause that’s all I remember until Janus woke me up.”

“You...you don't remember anything about the trance?” Remus said in a small voice. Virgil immediately shook his head, his face still hidden by the couch pillow.

“Nope. Nothing.”

“...Oh.”

“Do _you_ remember something, Remus?” Logan asked. To his knowledge, the trance had never come with...visions, before. But Patton did say that he made a dream special for Remus...

“I…” Remus curled up defensively, “I don't want to talk about it.”

“That bad, huh?” Thomas said, and Logan repressed the urge to flinch, the circuits still glowing under his skin.

“Yeah. That bad,” Remus repeated, staring at the wall. “But it felt so _real_ , and Manipulation was wearing Logan's face, and then Logan woke me up and I wasn't sure if I was even awake or if I was still dreaming and…”

He trailed off, staring into space, and a heavy silence filled the room. 

“Are you _sure_ you guys are okay?” Thomas asked for the third time since Patton was banished. Logan winced, but said nothing as the other sides chorused that they were fine.

They wouldn't be, but odds are, they didn't know that yet.

And it was all Logan's fault.

“So all he had to do was look at you?” Thomas asked. “To put you in that trance?”

“More like we had to look at him,” Virgil said, taking the pillow off his face when Thomas gasped. “What's wrong, Thomas?”

“I looked at him, right in the eyes,” Thomas said. “H-he was showing me how they moved. Am I—?”

“No, Thomas, you are awake. He would…” _He would never try to hurt you_ , Logan wanted to say but found he couldn't. 

_Engage Protocol #3: Answer Thomas’s questions honestly._

Patton did...unpredictable things in the grip of negative emotions. And after the events of the afternoon, Logan could not honestly say that Patton's wrath would never turn towards Thomas.

“He would not be able to do anything that caused you lasting harm. To do so would be to harm himself,” Logan said instead, feeling a twinge of something painful in his chest. He opened his mouth to continue, to say that under normal circumstances, Patton would take care to ensure that others not be caught in the whirlpool of his emotions, but Thomas cut him off before he could even try to choke out words. The circuits pulsed and itched, tiny shocks traveling up and down his arms.

“But I was looking right in his eyes. Why didn't he—?”

“His glasses provide a barrier that keeps the hypnotic attribute at bay.” Logan stated, as Protocol #3 pushed him to answer Thomas's new query instead of saying what he wanted to say. “I assume he was not wearing them when he incapacitated your other sides. That is the difference.”

“How do you know that?”

 _Please, Thomas._ Logan thought, as Protocol #3 engaged once more. _I understand you are frightened. I understand you have questions, but if you would just let me_ **_speak—_ **

“Because that is how I designed them to function,” Logan revealed, crossing his glowing arms tightly, defensively. “The hypnotic nature of his eyes cannot be eliminated, only suppressed. The only thing that allows him to look others in the eyes is those glasses.”

“Speaking of your buddy-buddy relationship with him…” Virgil said, his voice accusatory as he turned on Logan. “Why the hell didn't he hypnotize you?”

“That is an excellent question,” Janus said, his eyes dark as he gazed at Logan. “Please explain, Logan.”

Logan cursed within the confines of his own mind. _Please. Let me speak, let me explain—_

“He cannot. His power has never had any effect on me.” 

“That’s awfully convenient,” Janus drawled, staring Logan down. “So what took you so long to wake us up?”

“Janus!”

“It is alright Thomas. They have been through an ordeal.” Logan twitched, trying to hide the way the circuits continued to crawl along his arms and shoulders, trying to stay calm and rational. “I suspect that Heart—”

“His name is Manipulation.”

“I suspect that _he_ timed his visit during a time where I would be working in the Library,” Logan continued, as if he hadn’t been interrupted. “Since he could not incapacitate me the way he did you.”

“He knows your schedule that well?” Virgil scoffed doubtfully.

“We cohabitated for over two decades, and I am nothing if not a creature of habit,” Logan said wryly. He met each side’s eyes, trying his best to project his sincerity. “I understand your suspicions, but you should know that they are...unfounded. I am as appalled by his actions today as any of you.”

“I just...I can barely believe it,” Thomas said, his voice somber, “Logan...how did you stand living with him for so long?”

Logan felt an agonizing pain spread through his chest, making his palms sting and his breath catch. 

They did not _understand_.

“I…”

_I understand your confusion and your dismay, Thomas. But please believe me when I say that the events that occurred today are not indicative of who Patton is. He is in pain, and he has lashed out and made terrible decisions, but he has acted this way because…_

_Because_ **_I_ ** _failed him. I hurt him, and he is retaliating. Please, please do not pity me, do not think that I have escaped some terrible fate by being accepted. That is simply not the case._

_I am the villain here. I am the reason why he cannot control the emotions that should be bending to his will, I am the reason we are corrupted. I am at fault for the events of today._

_Not Patton. Never Patton._

The core sides did not stay long after that, making their excuses and saying their goodbyes, until all that remained was Logan and a worried, frustrated Thomas. 

And Logan owed Thomas an explanation, or as much of one as he could manage.

“Thomas.” 

“Yeah, Logan?” Thomas asked softly, face genuine in a way that Logan had not earned. “What is it?” 

“I...I wish to be honest with you, but…” He swallowed thickly, unwilling to meet Thomas's open, trusting gaze. Logan didn't deserve that trust, but he couldn't tell Thomas that, not when Thomas had made it clear before that he didn't want to hear about Logan's past failures. “But I am afraid of your reaction, especially given the current circumstance.”

“Buddy, you know you can talk to me anytime, right?”

Logan sucked in a surprised breath. Was that it? Was the order gone? Could he actually explain himself _and_ Patton?

“I—”

_ERROR! VIOLATION OF PROTOCOL #1 IMMINENT. ABORT SENTENCE._

Fuck.

Protocol #1 meant that Logan was getting dangerously close to telling Thomas something he didn't know about his other sides. He would have to tread carefully if he didn't want to be silenced halfway through his sentence.

Or worse, be forced to say something he didn't really mean.

“I fear I have made a grave miscalculation.” Logan said, as he tested various explanations in his head.

_When Patton and I discovered his abilities—_

**_ERROR_ **

_The glasses were created because Patton was afraid of his ability. He feared he would accidentally hurt—_

**_ERROR_ **

_None of this would have happened if I had not failed at everything I had promised them I would do—_

**_ERROR_ **

_It’s my fault, it’s my fault, everything bad that has happened is my fault—_

“Logan?”

_Reviewing relevant Protocols._

_#3: Answer all Thomas’s questions honestly._

_#4: But not without Janus’s approval._

_#18: Tell us what happened with Manipulation._

“There will be...complications, resulting from the trances that your core sides experienced,” Logan began haltingly, unable to look at Thomas. “I do not know how these...traumas will manifest themselves, and I am unsure of my ability to aid them adequately.”

He had known, even as he was doing it, that waking the sides up forcibly would have consequences, drastic consequences. But Logan also knew, in his core, that if he had not intervened as he had, that gaining the core sides’ trust again would be a nigh impossible task. And if he was unable to get them to listen to his reasoning, to his explanations of Patton’s actions once the trauma was healed…

Then there would be no hope for any of the Others, himself included.

That was an unacceptable outcome.

But this one might be just as terrible. Instead of the Others, now the Core sides suffered.

And it was _all Logan’s fault._

“I am sorry, Thomas. I acted with the best of intentions, but that does not undo the consequences—”

“It’s okay, Logan,” Thomas said, and he somehow had crossed the room without Logan noticing, sitting next to Logan and putting a hand on his back. Only then did Logan realize he was trembling.

And the blue lines of circuits had still not faded from his skin. 

“I know you were doing your best.”

“I fear my best is not enough,” Logan said miserably, “ _Was_ not enough.”

 _Won't_ **_ever_ ** _be enough. Not to make up for what I’ve done._

“You were in an impossible situation,” Thomas said comfortingly. He looked at the places where his core sides had sat. “What do you need?”

“I...what?”

“What do you need to help them?” Thomas clarified. “Do you need me to...to read about how to help with…” he swallowed, “PTSD? Or trauma? Do you need more information?”

“You…” Logan's breath left him. “You would do that?”

“Absolutely,” Thomas said, his leg bouncing. “I’ll start reading articles, and go on help boards. I’ll even figure out a way to ask Dr. Picani for advice.” Thomas turned his head to look at Logan, meeting his unnaturally luminous eyes with hardly a flinch, something that Logan still had trouble believing. “Whatever you need to help them. They'll accept your help more than mine.”

Logan wondered if he would ever stop being surprised at Thomas's seemingly limitless capacity for compassion, especially when it came to his sides.

He highly doubted that he would.

“Not because they do not want your help, Thomas,” Logan said quietly. “They only want to present their best selves to you.”

“I know,” Thomas said, with only a touch of bitterness. “So the only thing we can do now is...watch out for them. Keep an eye on them, until we’re sure they're okay.” He looked at Logan. “We can do that, right, Logan?”

“Yes. We will fix this, Thomas.”

_I promise._

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reminder, everyone still has character growth to go through! This is not the end of the road for Patton. 
> 
> Check us out on Tumblr @themorethingschange for updates on the next episode, extras, or if you just want to yell some more about your theories - we love to hear them!


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